Dear ex,
What can I say we weren’t together all that long but it felt the most real and intense, maybe it was because you felt the most grown up out of all the guys that have come into my life. It definitely was a whirlwind in the quick succession in which you integrated with my family, who doesn’t melt when your family love your boyfriend too?
The weeks of dates, day trips and calls had me falling for you, but you were the first to say the three words. I don’t know if it was you or my entire shitty dating history but I don’t trust any guy who says it, who would use those words yet make me feel has useless as you did in the last couple of months? You managed to wrap me into your words making me see anything you did badly as me taking it the wrong way, it became me making the plans and the effort, me thinking about the future. It became exhausting to be your girlfriend. You were so wrapped up in your plans for the future that you wanted that it engulfed you and I was maybe third on your priority list (after your friends of course). I spent months feeling down and upset, you made me feel ugly and unwanted, I mean if my boyfriend doesn’t want me who does? I went through, gosh I don’t even know how long, of crying on the phone to friends about how I felt and I was stuck in THE MOMENT. You know the one where everyone tells you that you deserve better and you know you do but you can’t seem to let go like there is a deep hope for a change up you know won’t happen, yeah that one. That was a continuous cycle for probably a month, you did that, you made me feel so shit and my depression hit an all-time high. I remember being at your house and you decided to sleep rather than spend time with me (OTT moment to some but not me) I was already feeling low and I remember tip-toeing outside and sitting in the cold with Jonny Diaz on a loop crying. You came out an hour later as if nothing happened because of course, you didn’t do anything right?
The ultimate betrayal for me was on the anniversary of my best friend’s death, you’d think my boyfriend would be there for me, right? WRONG. I thought you were closing the sale on your house yet to later find out you were at the gym when I needed you the most. I shouldn’t have been surprised right, I mean you were the same guy who once told me you wouldn’t hang around if you got someone pregnant. It’s key to note that after everything, the mental head fuck I endured for months, the shit self-esteem and the loneliness I don’t hate you. Like I tell everyone you were a shit boyfriend, not a shit person. Recently you’ve tested me though, don’t promise me the world and become the same idiot you were before. I know I deserve better from someone and to be honest I don’t know what hold you have over me, so my focus now is on bettering myself (which is something you should do too).
All I can hope for is that you’ve learnt to treat your next girlfriend better, and despite still not accepting you were in the wrong learn that your way isn’t the best. It was a good few months (in the beginning) and I don’t regret anything because of all in all you’ve taught me what I want and what I deserve and it’s not you.
Dear ex,
I just call you the cheat, I mean you denied it but when it’s your best friend throwing you under the bus it’s hard to accept your words. I think it’s especially because you had a history of fucking other people when you were in a relationship, yes, I know why would I go out with you then? Because we were close friends before and it turned into something more. I do recall telling you explicitly to break up with me rather than cheat and make me one of those girls but I guess you didn’t care.
I think I grew up a lot with you, I had my hardest challenges in life and you were there for me so I will always be truly grateful to you for being my rock. Through it all, we had banter, laughs and good times up until that revelation. I only want the best for you now, you have someone else now and I am happy that you seem happy, I just pray that she isn’t the victim of your infidelity.
Dear ex,
You are my favourite without a doubt, maybe because we were young and ultimate friends through everything, maybe because we still talk now. There was nothing awful about us but maybe naivety, maybe we should have gone on more dates or kept things a little more private but I have nothing but love for you.
I am so happy you found the girl for you and you’ve achieved everything that you used to tell me about, you’re going to go far and I hope it's with happiness. You deserve the world, you were my first and you will always have a place in my heart.
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